What Am I?*

*Or should that be ‘Who am I?’

by Marcia Berg Haskell

Digital Image source: Licht & Schaduw

I’m sitting in my recliner trying not to move too much because there is more pain than normal.  I fell yesterday, which would be irrelevant if the reason had not triggered this blog.  I fell because I’ve forgotten how to be in public.  My life has changed many times in my 87 years. And the latest change means I am alone,

isolated and seldom go anyplace but my physical therapist, a friend’s car, or a Lyft vehicle.  So, I don’t remember to look around me, don’t look for where to take my next step or, as in the present don’t notice there is a step down.  So I fell, so what.  I’ve fallen before and will probably fall again.  But this time I fell because I forgot how to live outside my house.

As you can guess, it startled me.  Enough that I began to think of not how but why.  What had changed and how had I let this change occur?  This train of thought led me down this particular primrose path. 

It goes something like this: I’m old, forgetful, foolish and don’t pay attention to what’s around me.  But wait I’m a lot of other things - things much more important than those trivialities.  So what am I?  Currently, I’m a teacher of the small community around me, I’m the owner and content creator of a website ‘MebhCreativeWorld.com’  it contains, my paintings, photographs, writings, poems and my Blog - of which this will soon be part- I am the caretaker of a white shorthair cat named StarMan, who sheds outrageously, is a clock watcher and the best housemate I’ve ever had.  I am a ‘senior citizen’ which is the most ridiculous title I’ve ever heard.  I am a member of an unfoldment circle whose other members are the most wonderful I’ve ever known.  But I’m getting sidetracked again.  Another problem of my advanced age.  That’s not really true; I’ve always gotten sidetracked again by activities like this.

Anyway, my fall led me to think about the ‘I Am’ and the ‘I Was’.  As I age, I’ve become aware of a painful paradox. I am full of memories and experiences, yet the narrative of aging often feels centered on loss. I have to make a daily practice to stop lamenting the loss of speed or sharp eyesight and instead celebrate the continuity of being—to focus on my changing identity rather than the changing abilities. So, I’m going to challenge you to walk this path along with me.  Here is a simple writing exercise to start. For each and every 5 years of your life, what was your ‘I Am?”.  Start with the earliest memory you have and mentally keep moving forward in 5 or 10 year increments.

This is my list:

 3 years - Sick, a child, independent (with Scarlet fever)

 8 years   - student, “deaf”, clumsy, near sighted, smart

13 years   - teenager, clumsy, nearsighted, friendless

18  years  - College freshman chemistry major, photographer, independent, shy

23 years  - College graduate, physical chemist, on my own, independent, oblivious

28 years - working at Polaroid, optical engineer assistant, coffee shop owner,                              programmer, friend, photographer

33 years - Optical designer, software engineer, friend, Mind Control graduate, psychic

38 years  - Software Engineer, section Manager, Spiritualist, medium, psychic,                                 photographer

43 years   - Department Manager of Software, friend, role model, Spiritualist,                               photographer

48 years   - Director of research, role model, Spiritualist, psychic, photographer,                          member of corporate task force, gardener

52 years   - VP Engineering, Spiritualist, friend, teacher,

60 years    - Retired on disability, friend, student @ adult education, Spiritualist, psychic,  photographer, becoming painter

70 years    - Married, Spiritualist, Painter, former engineer,

80 years    - opinionated, friend, widow, Spiritual, shaman, teacher,

And here I am at 87, looking at a life where I played many roles. The relative importance changed, the title or occupation changed and the increasing role of spiritual activity and psychic functioning predominates.  In many cases, I retained earlier roles, but they were merged with other activities.  For example, I remained a software and QA/QC engineer even as I was a Manager and Director and VP.  The skills remained and were used throughout my working career.  But they weren’t as significant in my daily life. I am aware of my aging bones and slow recovery from a relatively benign misstep without any serious injury--but that has shaken me nonetheless. It's easy to mourn what time has taken. The real challenge is to recognize all that it has created, and to celebrate who I am right now.

I challenge you to write a similar list of your life, ordering the items by their significance to you at that time.  I left out so much of what I was but wonder about the importance of what I left out to my present life. I could write a dozen lists of my life, but this one represents what was important to me at that age, not what left the greatest effects.  Email me if you created your list and how you feel about it. I’d love to create a conversation about this with you.